Cameron Highlands

Well, things became interesting last week, decided to take a trip up to Cameron with friends. Usually I've only went up with my family during holidays. I wasnt very sure what we were going to do up there, but it was with fun friends who were a little more adventerous, so off we went.

The first day we reached around 4 in the evening, so with the little time we have left, we did what people would naturally do, go to Old Ye Smokehouse! It's an amazing place with beautiful flowers. With the cooling air, its really quite nice drinking tea and having their scones. You could stay there too, but i think its pretty pricey. :/ The tea and scones were on the higher end too, but for the experience it's pretty ok. :D

The second day, since we've already drank tea, we decided to skip on Sg Palas tea, and went to the factory, but it was closed.. we did have a look see, they didnt lock the door. haha and then walked around the place, taking just a short walk back to the carpark through the edge of the tea plantation. It's really serene, but it was the holidays so there was a number of people there.

We decided that we were going for a hike, so we drove up to Mt Brinchang, thinking perhaps when we reached an area where we could not drive, we would walk it then. Halfway up, we saw this Mossy Forest and thought that it was supposed to be the walk up to the peak. It was built beautifully, with no rubbish bins though, and the forest has a perfectly and nicely built walkway. Its really easy to walk, (people who i've met here ranges from kids to old aunties), and so it didnt take us long to finish walking this place. I didnt upload it, but there were some really nice scenery during the walk. 

This is the only sign we saw that signifies the peak of Mt Brinchang. The peak is unremarkable, with a communication centre and a lot of radio towers there. 

These two pictures were taking from an observation tower at the peak right outside the communication centre. The view is awesome here! We shouted our hearts out when people left. haha. The tower was small but you could really see far from the top of the tower.

The hotel we stayed in. Rosa Passadena. I think they have a few places up in cameron? Owned by the same company under different names. A lot rosa's up there. The staff were really friendly and helpful, always with a smile. The rooms were ok, quite large but it wasnt really a budget place. As with the rest of the accomodations in cameron, no aircon but you wont need it up cameron. There is a tv in our room, and spent the first night watching a movie, drinking and talking in the room. 

Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy -  is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. 

There's no reason to be jealous, why be jealous when you know that there's nothing to be jealous of? There was no sign, no telling, no reason to ignite this feeling of sourness and bitterness. Yet, you're feeling unsure, you dont know what the other thinks truly. Does it all mean nothing? Is the treatment the same for everyone? How would you know?

You could tell yourself sometimes you just cant do anything but place yourself out there. Forget all these unwanted feelings and go for it, cause thats the whole point. But because of these feelings, you couldnt.

You just want to forget everything and stop for a moment.. Tell yourself, no. dont. and then move on. Perhaps thats best. Perhaps thats the only way this green-eyed monster will leave.

Laos Humanitarian Expedition 2012 (IMU)

Hey! It's been a really loooooong time since i posted anything here.. Went for a trip to Laos for community work and then been busy with community medicine project and research work back in uni.

Well a little about my Laos trip! We called it the Laos Humanitarian Expedition, which is way too cool a name for what we did exactly.. :P We went over and helped paint the school children's library, bought materials for the village we were in (Muang Kham village) to build a community toilet and then i think they also used some of the funds we brought to rent a tractor and flatten the roads, trust me.. the roads there.. OMGosh. They really needed flattening.

Here we were climbing down the jetty with some medicine we brought for the village.

We had to take a boat to cross the river to the village, and this is after we took a 10 hour bus ride. @.@

First day in the village, we walked to their paddy fields and tried planting paddy. Really have to appreciate rice after this..

Ordered insects to eat when we were at the town, it was surprisingly tasty! and most of us ate it. Didnt expected so many of us to be so brave. haha

During our stay in the town, we ran around town with these half motorcycles, half vans? They call them tuktuk (its similar to rides in Cambodia and the countries in that region)

The 2nd home that opened up for us. This is the house i stayed in during the time we spent in Muang Kham 

Me and Ter! One of the boys who were really helpful!

Overall it was a really great trip, we went over and the villagers were very welcoming. Feeding us rice like crazy, fearing we would actually be able to lose weight there.. I really enjoyed playing with the kids, we didnt understand each other because I couldnt speak Lao, but we still managed to get along, tickling each other and them trying to climb on me. 

During our farewell, I'm not a crying type of person, but watching them cry when we leave, it really touched me. Even with such a short stay, they had grown attached to us and us to them. 

We might have or have not changed much for them but just by going there and showing that there are people who helps each other, I think thats the most important thing? Sometimes when we read about all the terrible things in this world, we need to know there are people who would care.

What would you do when you're faced with death?

We know the five stages of grief; something most people would go through when diagnosed with death.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

No one wants to die but death is imminent, except for two person in the bible, Enoch and Elijah ( both names starting with E... hmmm ) sometimes we would have to think, what do we want in life? Is there a purpose? Living without a purpose is torture, isnt it? I think so, it might be relaxing but sooner or later, you would find it boring, you would wake and want something more, something different and if you had no purpose, you would have no idea what action to take.

When someone is faced with death or cancer, as everyone is fearful of now, would we want to have chemotherapy and radiotherapy and all that? Even now as a medical student, I've been reading of the futility of all these treatments. I'm not saying "OMG We should all despair! Cancer! Curses!" but look at our lives. Would living out whatever remaining time left be enough? Are you happy when you look back at your life? Has it been fruitful? But perhaps there is something more you want out of life? Is there? A goal u wan to achieve? A wedding of your children you want to be there for? The birth of your grandchild? Then go ahead! Fight on! There is always hope, without hope humanity would not survive.

I guess what i'm trying to say here in a nutshell is "Think about death and life, and figure out your path onwards based on your goals and whether you have achieved them or not."

Article on doctors dying and how they think...

Waking up one morning.

I was gonna go out for dim sum breakfast with two friends today, one a friend who i rarely talk to. Another supposedly my best friend.

The morning itself, when i woke up and told them i might be late, my "best friend" send me those messages. This was after one whole week of him finding out the other friend changed number and talking with her the night before.

After he came back, i realized he messaged us all these while because he was bored overseas, and not because we were actually close. It was disappointing. I've been trying not to post anything else depressing but today.. this just sucks.

I did eventually go out and smile at him but its not longer the same la.

The further the distance, the higher the number of messages.

So.. we have this whatsapp group, and the weird thing is the three of us in the group are all in different time zones. One Germany, One US and me in malaysia. We chat a lot, keeping in touch all the time and even though its different time zones, somehow we still keep contact. And then my friend was coming back home. I was happy, would see him more often. but the thing is...



Yeah, i see him, we talk and joke. But now his messages stop in the group chat. Literally dropped. I know I'm not really used or anything but i feel like.. "when you're overseas, is it because you needed company so u message us? and now u're home with other friends too, friends who did not bother to keep in touch with you, and you dont even bother to message us anymore?"

The shorter the actual distance we have, the longer the friendship distance.. if it make any sense.

Truthfully, am i hurt? Not really. But its something to think about. Do we "use" our friends sometimes? I love a song "Thats what friends are for - dionne warwick". Friends will always be there to help you but dont take them for granted.

Yeah.. if you feel down, this song will help. :P it does for me.



Actually I'm not sure whether unconsciously, i might have offended people or made my friends feel bad. Maybe i should ask them one day. "hey if there's something you could change in me.. what would it be..?" alright im going to ask that question. LOL let's see what they say.

But for me, some of the things that could really cheer me up is
1) Just drop a random message (seriously, any random crap would show that you want to talk)
2) Sharing some stories of themselves

Those two are simple things that when i reread them, i went yeah.. everyone knows that. But we dont. at least i dont. I might always feel hmm.. maybe its too random, or we're not close enough to pull off random crap! maybe it will be weird, LOL or sometimes, sharing is difficult. To share is to be vulnerable. And of course, being people, we hate being vulnerable. :/

Starting 3rd year med school soon :)

Today i finished my second year medical school exam. Not sure about you, but i think it sounds cool. :P WOOHOO! second year done.

I remember my first semester, i knew crap. I mean i learnt about stuff but its different from what i expected. I was imagining myself running around, intense moments following doctor around, telling me how to save a patient, what to do in a cardiac failure, what to inject when patient is having a coma. Instead i was reading about cellular structures, and then some calculations stuff about epidemiology. Now looking back, i know its important but at that time, it just "didnt fit into what i expected" and i didnt put in much effort. Its stupid but it happened.

If i could give my fresh med student self an advice, I would tell him "dude, look at other med stuff, u dont like this? then read up about the pathology, the anatomy, stuff that interest you, cause everything and i mean EVERYTHING will help you in medicine, every aspect of it. Extra reading is something that will not only help, it is required in studying medicine." I passed through all the exams barely, but this is me, a person who spent hours watching shows, and watching them twice or thrice. And i made it through. Im not saying its easy. Its not. It was hell, i always studied just before the exam, and i tell you the truth, if u do that in med school, it will be torture.

You will feel uncertainty, anxiety, and just plain worry. I kept asking myself
"what if i open the paper and i dont even understand the question?"
"did i study everything?"
"is what im reading even coming out for the exam?"
"Im gonna fail in that exam"
"i might as well plan what to do after i fail."

I mentioned i watched a lot of shows right? That includes Grey's anatomy (of course), House ( who wouldnt) and Scrubs (awesome show!). I watched it in my first year. Just before i started med school. i was clueless about what they were talking about and everytime a term like cysticercosis came up and i was studying it i would go WOOHOO! i know that!

Now today, when i just finished my second year, i watched season 2 of grey's anatomy, i saw the show was talking about a pregnant patient who had placenta tearing and i thought of "oh crap, emergency, gotta prepare for DIC) and then another, a baby with IRDS ( infant respiratory distress syndrome) i thought of surfactant and respiratory failure. It was small stuff, but it was kinda a proud moment for me.. I knew something. SOMETHING. im always saying two years in med school and i know nothing. I think thats not true. I do know SOMETHING. Its the confidence, as a med student, need to gain the confidence by reading or watching or something.. just need to constantly prep ourselves and be ready for when we finally finish med school. :P

But what do i know... im only just finishing second year. LOL

Having two kidneys..

Pathologic Basis of Disease (8th Edition) - page 906
"The functional reserve of kidney is large, and much damage may occur before there is evident functional impairment. For these reasons the early signs and symptoms are particularly important clinically."

I believe in God, and for me, when people tell me that the kidney is one of the most important organs because everything and i mean EVERYTHING depend on the kidney to clean their dirt, I have to thank God that he gave us two each. But i guess nothing is every good enough for us, right? He gave us kidneys to clean our blood, and the compensatory mechanism is enough to cover up the damage.. If a third of our kidneys are destroyed, the kidneys can still work at optimum range, because they can cover for us. (well if we lose one kidney, the other will work up to 75%.. so based on that logic, if a third of both our kidneys spoil, we would still have a 100% right? )

My point is.. I think in life, He gave us mechanisms to help ourselves even if we do wrong, and even if some parts our lives are destroyed, we would still have a good life, but if we destroy everything that is good and pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, then we would really feel the consequence. So before it is too late and we reach the "end stage kidney disease", we should try to change and preserve whatever good that is still working and hope to do better..

I know some parts might seem as if im reading into things, but i dont think i can go on in life, see people depressed, people with congenital diseases( in born diseases), people who eat healthy and exercise getting ill, and still be positive if i dont have this silver lining.

So before anything bad, i need to muse.. muse about all the "signs and symptoms" in my life and change them before its too late and the compensatory mechanism or the functional reserve can no longer sustain life.

My Everest..

Summative 4 is on Friday, its an exam for the fourth semester of my med school, thing is.. im too relaxed for it. I tell myself not to care.. cause i have to have a greater goal. Its too late for me to read all the semester 4 notes. I should learn and discipline myself so that from now on, i would have a good timetable, study schedule and that i would be able to score in my final exam.. well not exactly. In the USMLE.. cause i want to go to the US to continue my education.

Is that a wayward thinking? :/

Somehow now i want to finish reading this book. Med students in IMU calls it papa patho. Its really thick. Seriously.. Its basically an encyclopedia. :( But truthfully, now it is getting interesting. Thank God. Im still moving very slowly but it seems to be getting better. Hopefully what i read will be retained. Haha. Thats the whole point right?

Hmm alright.. i"ll try this.. Every week i'll post something about what i read. the most interesting thing in the book that i read. :P hopefully it will help memorizing it.. :/

Should write about my med school experience. then at least i can look back at the blog and laugh about everything that happened in med school. Not too late to start anyway.. med school is 5 years long. I'm only in my second year.. Im not even halfway. And then if by God's grace i graduate, there's internship, residency, fellowships and then at last.. becoming a consultant. Hopefully with this long journey, I would grow somewhat. haha.

bucolic = relating to the pleasant aspects of the countryside and country life

A rainy 3am..

Been listening to this song for a few days, replying it. I dont think its because im not over someone though.. Just a nice song..

Was awake tonight, or rather morning when I thought its been a while since i posted anything..  Then i was thinking hmm.. was there anything emo i want to type about or bitch about here? Then i realized thats bad. Why should i want to post only bad stuff here? LOL

Anyway, life's been good. I havent really been studying but there's was some reading.. so thats progress already for me. Im going to push on to make sure I do better though. What im doing is not enough. :P

Recently, I began realizing that i have different 'mental status'. It's not bipolar or anything or MPD but the fact that at a current time, everything seems like its perfect, or at times, everything sucks, or even the courage or will to do anything to succeed. A positive feeling and the moods, status, feelings, mindset, is different at different times of the day. Everyone knows we have different moods at different times, but we dont realise when these moods start changing right? do they? or am i the only one who doesnt? oO

And recently someone said, "hey you should speak more! you're very quiet." and i wonder.. how would she know i speak a lot or not? maybe i just dont speak to her? lol oh well.. but i do at times ask people to speak up or talk more.. so cant say much.. i do it too. :D

Well the timer just went off for the steamer. My char siew pau is done. haha Time to have super late night or super early morning supper/breakfast. :) Until another day..

"All The Words"

How do I speak of the indescribable to You
I will try to explain these feelings that are true
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You

In your presence I forever choose to live
I will praise You for it's all I have to give
So looking to the sky I will sing and from my heart to You I bring

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

By Your grace You let me come talk to You
It's not that I'm worthy I thank you Jesus
For the love that You have shown

All of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship

With all of the words in all of my life that could never explain and never describe
All of my love, which is nothing to hide so I lift up my hands and I worship
I worship You

Maxis Scholarship. :D

Well a while ago, I posted my CV and about attending the interview for maxis scholarship. It was actually quite a while ago, but i got it! haha. Since im doing medicine and not one of those courses they can bond me with, im only getting very little. But heck, money without any terms and conditions is sweet money right? :P

It was actually nice of maxis since they are literally giving me money for nothing. :/ community service i guess. give back to the community and all that.

Went for two rounds of interviews. First one only with one interviewer and she didnt ask much questions, mostly about myself and what i want to do.. And looked at my certs, then asking me about things i;ve done in life. Second interview was a little more intense. Had these panels of people from different education backgrounds, professor from UKM or something and asked me about euthanasia, whether i support or was against it, and many more questions. Questions about morality? and character.

Somehow I got it. :D PTL :)

Had to attend some photoshoot, that was pretty interesting and tiring. I mean.. the WHOLE DAY. From morning to night, but hey! people waiting to take your picture and modelling sort of.. not everyday u get to do that right? Sort of an experience. LOL Had to pose and act a little perasaan. HAHAHAHAHA it was awesome. :D

Then a week later, attend the ceremony for the scholars. It was kinda boring.. there's a pic with someone yawning during the ceremony i think. Hahaha

Scholars supposedly acting crazy. 

With the certs

Hahahaha all bored listening to speech

*le awesome big poster of us 

another group pic

*le scanned newspaper page for maxis scholarship advertisement with our group pic. 

Random sort of funny pics :P

(emo one between the rest)

(cute cat pic, breather between laughing)

(PSA)

Wanting to sail away...

Sitting here on my bed, I began to understand why so many people want to go on cruises. The stress, the worry, the workload. Sometimes its easier to just leave it all behind and forget them. But thats not how life goes, so instead we take breaks and go holidays and cruises and temporarily forgets all of them.

Even now in medical school, before even going out to work, im wondering if money would be an issue. Which now i think about it, maybe i should have worried about it earlier? maybe not worry about it but at least give it some thought. :/ Haha but life would be have been different then.

The idea of going into a ship and sailing away to some foreign land, even though its singapore.. sounds tempting even now. :P

I still remember some memories loooong time ago, when i was still a little boy, going on a cruise, the fun of it, even in a small room, it was awesome. Especially at night, when i stand on the deck, feeling the breeze, without worry or care. I also remembered embarrasing moments, when i was dared by my brother, and i climbed the rock climbing thing on the ship, when i was wearing my long pants and everyone stopping and looking up wondering whats the boy doing. =.=

Wish i took more pictures.. but i only found a few.. Im not sure if the rest is lost or our family never took pictures. I'm really thinking of getting a dslr or something and take pictures of my life.. In the end, there's only our memories, and seeing and reading about alzheimers make me realise perhaps, in the end.. thank god at least there's the technology for pictures. :P

I should keep updating the blog too. not for readers but at least when im older, and i look back, there's things to reminisce about. :D

Pool on the deck of the ship (children's pool)

Extra large chess pieces next to the pool. 

Being a doctor

Its my eighth day doing my electives in Singapore general hospital in the neurological department. I'm a second year medical student who just passed his third semester exams. Instead of writing what cases I saw, I'll write what I felt when I saw those cases. It's depressing, getting up early every morning to go for the wards and seeing some of the patients, the patients dont make it depressing, the thought of some of them don't recover does. I've seen a patient who had multiple strokes who was sent home and her husband sent her back because he couldn't take care of her. She couldn't move her body and couldn't communicate and had spasticity ( contracture of the muscle constantly ) or almost constant. Today was the most depressing day. I'm not sure if it's cause I'm already depressed or I'm just negative, which would explain all the emo stuff on this blog, but today I visited a patient who had metastases from the bone to the brain and her family didn't want her to know. She doesn't understand English so whatever we said she doesn't understand. She was smiling to us while we were discussing the prognosis and how it's serious stage.. And I almost cried. Yes it's girly and shit but I couldn't take it. How are you supposed to tell a person who's looking to you for hope that they might die? If Jesus came and told me, I'm sorry son.. You'll die. I'll despair. Continuing today's rounds, saw another old patient who we had no idea what was wrong except he won't co operate. He wouldn't answer questions and don't want to co operate in physical exams. At this point I'm wondering.. Even when we could do something, the person involved don't want our help. The people who needs us, we can't do anything and the people we most likely could help, don't want us to.. The irony right? In neurology, it seems the best we could do is to make sure the patient can survive outside of the ward and then we would sent them home. Health is truly something precious. No joke. If u go bankrupt, u can gain wealth back. If you lose something, you can find it again or make it. If u lose someone, a friend perhaps, it hurts and tears u apart, but u will move on and learn to live without them. But if you lose ur health or ur family, you would never gain it back. Health is something the Lord will give you once. He might heal, he might give you some more time, but it's something only the Lord can give. Doctors can assist but there is almost no miracle in the medical field. And it shakes the very foundation in which I wanted to do medicine. How many times have we looked up to a doctor and expect them to tell us it's going to be alright? That's what I wanted to do.. To one day assure someone and say its going to be alright. You're going to be alright. But no.. I can't say that cause then it might give hope to the family and they will sue me. It's turned to this.. That medicine is something that doctors have to cover their asses. It's accountability yes but it's become much more.. It's become a hindrance to prevent breakthroughs and crazy actions done, EVERY CRAZY action done just to save a patients life. Now.. It's... "better not do it... Will get sued. What for?" About family... I saw an old lady today. She was able to walk, shaky but ok nonetheless. But she stays alone. Is she ur married? Is she barren? No.. Rather her sons never took care of her, her daughters told the doctors they can't care for her. Looking at it I'm filled with guilt. I don't treat my grandma well enough I think. Did she treat her children badly that they don't want to take care of her? I don't know.. But its just sad. Working in a hospital is depressing.. That's why doctors take a patients case and joke about it.. Please don't be offended, it's not that the doctors heart is cold. It's the exact opposite cause their hearts are too tender. If they can no longer find humor, I think every doctor in the world will be depressed and demotivated in their work. Except unless for psychopaths. Maybe it's just neurology? Or maybe it's just me? Nonetheless it's given me a lot to think about. :/

Singapore so far...

Well I've stayed in Singapore for a week so far and another 2 weeks to go... It's been fun, not very fruitful but fun nonetheless. I guess at first I didn't find it really fun cause I had too high expectations on this trip... I have no idea what exactly but I thought perhaps it would be awesome and i'll learn a lot.. That was not the case... Just like how I remembered I said about its not good to have expectations on people, I guess the same applies to things like this. There's no point expecting or assuming friendship. You assume people wold accept you and when they say something that hurts and don't give a shit, all you could do is just look away. Cause it is your fault that you thought you two were friends right? That's the same here.. I thought it would be interactive, fun, learning new things, but when the electives shove all the crap up your ass, all you could do is say thanks and go off for the day and try to make it better. I guess now I understand why people say its better to stay home. There I don't need to assume anything and I know I'm accepted. Among my high school friends and family, and if it's shitty I could just walk away. Here I'm stuck for better or worse. Either friendships, or studies. On a brighter note... Hmm..,no.. I don't want to write about the fun on my trip with such a bitter tone.. When I go home, with my comfy blanket then I would write about the fun stuff I did in Singapore. :p For now.. All I can say is I don't think time is a factor for friendship... You could know a person for a long time but at the end, there's no friendship there. (no I'm no longer ranting bout electives). You thought it was okay, you could be accepted, and all you get is I think you got a problem. Ah well. Screw it. I've tried, and I'm tired of trying. I think I can safely say I've done what I could by trying to be a friend for 3+ years and it didn't work, I've done my best and not give up easily right? :D

If I pass..

If I pass... I would go for every class.. Even those I don't need to. #promise. Lol