Being a doctor

Its my eighth day doing my electives in Singapore general hospital in the neurological department. I'm a second year medical student who just passed his third semester exams. Instead of writing what cases I saw, I'll write what I felt when I saw those cases. It's depressing, getting up early every morning to go for the wards and seeing some of the patients, the patients dont make it depressing, the thought of some of them don't recover does. I've seen a patient who had multiple strokes who was sent home and her husband sent her back because he couldn't take care of her. She couldn't move her body and couldn't communicate and had spasticity ( contracture of the muscle constantly ) or almost constant. Today was the most depressing day. I'm not sure if it's cause I'm already depressed or I'm just negative, which would explain all the emo stuff on this blog, but today I visited a patient who had metastases from the bone to the brain and her family didn't want her to know. She doesn't understand English so whatever we said she doesn't understand. She was smiling to us while we were discussing the prognosis and how it's serious stage.. And I almost cried. Yes it's girly and shit but I couldn't take it. How are you supposed to tell a person who's looking to you for hope that they might die? If Jesus came and told me, I'm sorry son.. You'll die. I'll despair. Continuing today's rounds, saw another old patient who we had no idea what was wrong except he won't co operate. He wouldn't answer questions and don't want to co operate in physical exams. At this point I'm wondering.. Even when we could do something, the person involved don't want our help. The people who needs us, we can't do anything and the people we most likely could help, don't want us to.. The irony right? In neurology, it seems the best we could do is to make sure the patient can survive outside of the ward and then we would sent them home. Health is truly something precious. No joke. If u go bankrupt, u can gain wealth back. If you lose something, you can find it again or make it. If u lose someone, a friend perhaps, it hurts and tears u apart, but u will move on and learn to live without them. But if you lose ur health or ur family, you would never gain it back. Health is something the Lord will give you once. He might heal, he might give you some more time, but it's something only the Lord can give. Doctors can assist but there is almost no miracle in the medical field. And it shakes the very foundation in which I wanted to do medicine. How many times have we looked up to a doctor and expect them to tell us it's going to be alright? That's what I wanted to do.. To one day assure someone and say its going to be alright. You're going to be alright. But no.. I can't say that cause then it might give hope to the family and they will sue me. It's turned to this.. That medicine is something that doctors have to cover their asses. It's accountability yes but it's become much more.. It's become a hindrance to prevent breakthroughs and crazy actions done, EVERY CRAZY action done just to save a patients life. Now.. It's... "better not do it... Will get sued. What for?" About family... I saw an old lady today. She was able to walk, shaky but ok nonetheless. But she stays alone. Is she ur married? Is she barren? No.. Rather her sons never took care of her, her daughters told the doctors they can't care for her. Looking at it I'm filled with guilt. I don't treat my grandma well enough I think. Did she treat her children badly that they don't want to take care of her? I don't know.. But its just sad. Working in a hospital is depressing.. That's why doctors take a patients case and joke about it.. Please don't be offended, it's not that the doctors heart is cold. It's the exact opposite cause their hearts are too tender. If they can no longer find humor, I think every doctor in the world will be depressed and demotivated in their work. Except unless for psychopaths. Maybe it's just neurology? Or maybe it's just me? Nonetheless it's given me a lot to think about. :/