Being a doctor

Its my eighth day doing my electives in Singapore general hospital in the neurological department. I'm a second year medical student who just passed his third semester exams. Instead of writing what cases I saw, I'll write what I felt when I saw those cases. It's depressing, getting up early every morning to go for the wards and seeing some of the patients, the patients dont make it depressing, the thought of some of them don't recover does. I've seen a patient who had multiple strokes who was sent home and her husband sent her back because he couldn't take care of her. She couldn't move her body and couldn't communicate and had spasticity ( contracture of the muscle constantly ) or almost constant. Today was the most depressing day. I'm not sure if it's cause I'm already depressed or I'm just negative, which would explain all the emo stuff on this blog, but today I visited a patient who had metastases from the bone to the brain and her family didn't want her to know. She doesn't understand English so whatever we said she doesn't understand. She was smiling to us while we were discussing the prognosis and how it's serious stage.. And I almost cried. Yes it's girly and shit but I couldn't take it. How are you supposed to tell a person who's looking to you for hope that they might die? If Jesus came and told me, I'm sorry son.. You'll die. I'll despair. Continuing today's rounds, saw another old patient who we had no idea what was wrong except he won't co operate. He wouldn't answer questions and don't want to co operate in physical exams. At this point I'm wondering.. Even when we could do something, the person involved don't want our help. The people who needs us, we can't do anything and the people we most likely could help, don't want us to.. The irony right? In neurology, it seems the best we could do is to make sure the patient can survive outside of the ward and then we would sent them home. Health is truly something precious. No joke. If u go bankrupt, u can gain wealth back. If you lose something, you can find it again or make it. If u lose someone, a friend perhaps, it hurts and tears u apart, but u will move on and learn to live without them. But if you lose ur health or ur family, you would never gain it back. Health is something the Lord will give you once. He might heal, he might give you some more time, but it's something only the Lord can give. Doctors can assist but there is almost no miracle in the medical field. And it shakes the very foundation in which I wanted to do medicine. How many times have we looked up to a doctor and expect them to tell us it's going to be alright? That's what I wanted to do.. To one day assure someone and say its going to be alright. You're going to be alright. But no.. I can't say that cause then it might give hope to the family and they will sue me. It's turned to this.. That medicine is something that doctors have to cover their asses. It's accountability yes but it's become much more.. It's become a hindrance to prevent breakthroughs and crazy actions done, EVERY CRAZY action done just to save a patients life. Now.. It's... "better not do it... Will get sued. What for?" About family... I saw an old lady today. She was able to walk, shaky but ok nonetheless. But she stays alone. Is she ur married? Is she barren? No.. Rather her sons never took care of her, her daughters told the doctors they can't care for her. Looking at it I'm filled with guilt. I don't treat my grandma well enough I think. Did she treat her children badly that they don't want to take care of her? I don't know.. But its just sad. Working in a hospital is depressing.. That's why doctors take a patients case and joke about it.. Please don't be offended, it's not that the doctors heart is cold. It's the exact opposite cause their hearts are too tender. If they can no longer find humor, I think every doctor in the world will be depressed and demotivated in their work. Except unless for psychopaths. Maybe it's just neurology? Or maybe it's just me? Nonetheless it's given me a lot to think about. :/

9th day of Singapore. Valentine's eve.

What would you do when a friend gets flowers? Tease her? Smile? The answer? Don't give a shit, cause that's what she wants apparently. I know it doesn't matter to me what the hell is sending flowers to my friend. But I thought as a friend, it would be nice to show concern. I guess that's not it. I was wrong. I shouldn't have even looked or should act as if I didn't see anything. Flower? Bitch please... I've seen bigger. Maybe that's what I should have said. Cause maybe then it won't be annoying huh? I'm not interested, please.. But I thought as a friend you wouldnt be annoyed at me. If its so then there's no point in us being friends. Cause that's not my view of friendship, and I don't want a friendship like this. -the end-

Singapore so far...

Well I've stayed in Singapore for a week so far and another 2 weeks to go... It's been fun, not very fruitful but fun nonetheless. I guess at first I didn't find it really fun cause I had too high expectations on this trip... I have no idea what exactly but I thought perhaps it would be awesome and i'll learn a lot.. That was not the case... Just like how I remembered I said about its not good to have expectations on people, I guess the same applies to things like this. There's no point expecting or assuming friendship. You assume people wold accept you and when they say something that hurts and don't give a shit, all you could do is just look away. Cause it is your fault that you thought you two were friends right? That's the same here.. I thought it would be interactive, fun, learning new things, but when the electives shove all the crap up your ass, all you could do is say thanks and go off for the day and try to make it better. I guess now I understand why people say its better to stay home. There I don't need to assume anything and I know I'm accepted. Among my high school friends and family, and if it's shitty I could just walk away. Here I'm stuck for better or worse. Either friendships, or studies. On a brighter note... Hmm..,no.. I don't want to write about the fun on my trip with such a bitter tone.. When I go home, with my comfy blanket then I would write about the fun stuff I did in Singapore. :p For now.. All I can say is I don't think time is a factor for friendship... You could know a person for a long time but at the end, there's no friendship there. (no I'm no longer ranting bout electives). You thought it was okay, you could be accepted, and all you get is I think you got a problem. Ah well. Screw it. I've tried, and I'm tired of trying. I think I can safely say I've done what I could by trying to be a friend for 3+ years and it didn't work, I've done my best and not give up easily right? :D

If I pass..

If I pass... I would go for every class.. Even those I don't need to. #promise. Lol

5days before the exam

Ok... It's finally here.. I'm not I'm still in med school next year but I guess in a way I did enjoy my experience.. It wasn't any moment but throughout this past one and the half years, I think I changed a lot. I never actually studied for anything hard and always I had past years to save me or something. This time I feel like I'm going in blind. Almost like the first year exams except that time it has less materials to ask from. Definitely I hope I pass.. But if not.. It was a good run. I've learned that some times it's really true about what they say.. Loving what you do.. Cause in medicine unless you're really disciplined.. You would really need to love medicine to actually commit to memorizing all the information and reading, listening and looking at all the medical materials and term day and night.. And sometimes when you speak, you find ur self using words people don't understand.. At least it was like that for me... But for now, all I think of is getting the exam over and seeing how it went. Then I can plan what to do.. Lol though on forethought after the exam I might cry and can't think of anything also. Haiz..

Why I wish I was overseas...

Hmmm.. Now as exam is drawing near... I kinda wish I was overseas... Not to have fun.. (though that thought keeps popping up) but somehow I think although everyone says they miss home when they are overseas. Some part of them do enjoy the experience of being in another country for education purposes. I want to feel like that.. Like I'm finally away from home and starting a new chapter of my life.. Really hope I can pass this exam.. Think if my new chapter has something to do with medicine it'll be even more awesome.

Nervous-ness

Alright.. Now as i get closer to my exams.. Im starting to get nervous. It's a double edged blade. It pumps me up but scares the crap out of me. :/ I know im not ready and the worst part is i dont know how to be ready.. Form 5 i didnt really care.. or at least tuition was good enough for me.. A levels.. I had past years to track my progress. Now in medicine, i feel so lost.. im sure there's something i dont know.. and its a lot. :(

But i guess i took this path and stuff. :'( Hope i get through this. Just pass. :/